| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2008|02:04 am] |
I moved because there were many things I couldn't explain enough to validate myself, things that I found hard and feared to express as had been bitten back there in the former lj when I did so, and the many occurrences of change not chance, and perhaps subsequently increased and different fears. I find it awful that I feel a need to validate myself most of the time. Perhaps it's just a way of my personal courtesy, although I believe it might have stemmed from the bite as previously mentioned, yes, it's something called judgement. For instance, even when I bitch or complain, there's always the inevitable additional phrase I pepper in the conversations: "I mean, I'm not perfect, but..." And I'm tired of having to validate, not because I don't want to, but because I realise that I can't, not for certain episodes and issues. Most strikingly perhaps, are the few occurrences of change that I can't fathom, for one thing, and for the second, that I cannot explain but continue the bear the repercussions of nevertheless.
I wonder if I am making a premature and incorrect summary, but perhaps I am drifting back into a simulacrum of that subfusc world of four years ago. Simulacrum, because I am not going back there again, and what I feel, is certainly more dull than then. Yet, the short minutes of sudden blurry vision, aversion of strangers' eyes, and the bowing of the head to hide, on the train that I encounter on daily travels are picked up from where they left years ago. The train hurtles through the tunnel, and my mind searches for understanding and again, validation. So, inwardly, I search in the short-term past: what happened recently?. But even after days of such embarrassment and hours spent mulling over and searching, the waves of sadness still hit at a sudden, and eddy after. Why this subfusc state? Why can I not validate the incomprehensible sadness, and then, why must I?
Ten days ago thereabout, I intensified my disordered eating. There's a difference between eating disorders and disordered eating, the latter which probably everyone takes part in, for example starving yourself before a buffet. I explain my bingeing by the presence of stress, but I cannot understand why the choice of bingeing as my body and mind's resort. It scares me to tears with regard to the fact that I'm actually bingeing. I may laugh it off in the thirty seconds after I stop, with a "oh no, I'm going to be as obese as Norbit's wife if this continues", but after that, I begin to fear. Why this subfusc state? Why this eating?
A few days ago, I encountered a change on the side of personal relations. Perhaps I subconsciously decided not to tell or spill anything anymore because I felt like a fool, humiliated simply for being myself, and if I could wear my heart on my sleeve, or feelings like on a slogan tee, it would be: I don't know how to talk to you anymore, perhaps because fundamentally, I don't trust you anymore. And the loss of a confidante, the oblivion of such a good friend, does hurt so. Why do I not trust and why can't I try, again and again?
I strongly hate her job and what it does to her, I, and us, but I can't say a thing because she / we don't have a choice. I think this hurts the most, and it has for past year, only that I never felt it so acute. Why the acuteness of feeling, and the subfusc state?
Lastly, impurity. The taboo, desirous, sinful, impure, thoughts and actions have strangely increasingly pervaded my consciousness, and I suspect have partially contributed to the subfusc state.
I don't know what I can save myself from, how, and most importantly, why all these. |
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